The 5 Worst Halloween Candies To Buy In Rochester
With Halloween just a little over two weeks away, we’ve mentioned how when it comes to buying your candy, the earlier the better. But for those of you who still need to do your Halloween shopping and want to , this is my advice on what candy not to buy. And trust me, I’m basically a man-child, so I know what I’m talking about.
5. Tootsie Pops
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This is crazy to me, but Tootsie Pops are apparently the most popular Halloween candy in Minnesota this year. Over Skittles! That is insane. If given the option, would you seriously prefer a Tootsie Pop over stuffing your mouth with two fistfuls of Skittles? Tootsie Pops are an iconic candy, no doubt. They’re just not exciting anymore. Also, the real reason no one has ever gotten to the center of a Tootsie Pop is because it gets boring after about 30 seconds. I’ve gotten more entertainment from licking a flag pole in January.
Smarties taste like a combination of colored chalk and children’s medicine. Have you ever eaten a roll of Smarties after the age of 30? It is not pleasant.
3. Dubble Bubble
Here, let me give you every experience you’ll have the moment you place a piece of Dubble Bubble in your mouth:
*chews for 10 seconds*
- Tootsie Rolls
Look, I know this might be extremely controversial for some of you, because Tootsie Rolls have been around forever. But I can virtually guarantee that since the dawn of time, no living human being has ever uttered the phrase “Man, I am JONESING for some Tootsie Rolls right now!” Tootsie Rolls are what’s left in your office’s community candy bowl after all the good stuff has been taken. No one is ever excited to eat a Tootsie Roll. You settle for a Tootsie Roll. They look like what happens after a rabbit eats an entire Chipotle burrito.
- Circus Peanuts
BARF. At some point at an early age, every child learns one valuable lifelong lesson: if someone gives you piece of candy wrapped in pasty white construction paper, you are going to end up being very disappointed. It’s impossible for me to eat a Circus Peanut and NOT think “This really doesn’t taste like it should be in my mouth.” Want proof? Just answer one simple question for me:
What do Circus Peanuts taste like?
…You can’t really think of anything, can you? According to the manufacturer’s website, they are “banana in flavor,” which I am highly skeptical about. Maybe a banana peel, but even that’s pushing it. No one has ever eaten a Circus Peanut while being on a diet and said to themselves, “Yep, that was worth it.” People who give out Circus Peanuts during Halloween hate children. There. I said it. I would rather eat every container of floss that’s handed out by the dentist in your neighborhood.