The 12 Days Of Terrible Christmas Songs
During the holidays, hearing Christmas music is pretty unavoidable. It's everywhere. There are many songs that are timeless and can bring back some wonderful memories. These are not those songs. This is a list dedicated to the Christmas music that's slightly below waterboarding. Because these...
...are the 12 Days of Terrible Christmas Songs.
12. John Lennon - "Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)"
Just want to remind you that this song was co-produced by a convicted murderer. Happy Christmas, everyone! We’re already off to a great start.
11. Pentatonix - "Deck The Halls" (or anything by Pentatonix)
My rule is that if a song sounds like it could naturally fit into this Old Navy Christmas commercial, it's going to be on this list.
10. "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"
Fewer things are creepier to me than a bunch of monotone children singing in unison. These kids sound like they collect teeth.
9. Band Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Ah, the Debbie Downer of Christmas songs. This song is like that one guy on the Internet who always brings the mood down by going “How can you enjoy [fun thing] when [depressing thing] is ALSO happening?!” Dude, I’m just trying to eat my yams over here. Just tell me where to donate. You don’t have to be all passive-aggressive about it.
8. Bon Jovi - "Back Door Santa"
Hahaha. WHAT. Just kidding. This song is amazing.
7. Taylor Swift - "Last Christmas"
I have an embarrassing confession: I actually like the Wham! version. I know, I know. But this cover is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And being that it’s Taylor Swift, the lyrics come across like a threat letter. "LaSt ChRiStMaS, i GaVe YoU mY hEaRt. BuT tHe VeRy NeXt DaY, yOu GaVe It AwAy. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS."
6. Stevie Nicks - "Silent Night"
I like Stevie Nicks, but this song sounds like someone is furiously shaking a frantic goat so it'll calm down.
5. Mariah Carey featuring Justin Bieber - "All I Want For Christmas Is You"
I totally dare you to try pulling this on your significant other this year. “Whelp, here you go, babe! I am the Christmas gift!” Adding Justin Bieber isn’t helping.
4. Anything by Mannheim Steamroller
Mannheim Steamroller is the Mr. Pibb to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Dr. Pepper. Every song sounds like it belongs in a shopping mall from 1993.
3. Alvin and The Chipmunks - "Christmas Song"
If I could physically set this song on fire, I would.
2. Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmastime"
This song is pure evil. Whenever it gets stuck in my head, I want to call an exorcist. I have no idea how department store employees don’t go insane when the lyrics “Simply having a Wonderful Christmastime!” repeat over and over and over and over again (even by writing that out, I'm pretty sure I just ruined someone’s day right now). Whenever I'm in public and hear the first few synth cords of this song, I immediately stop whatever I'm doing and bolt for the exit. That's not even a joke. This song is why I’m willing to argue that Ringo is better.
1. NewSong - "The Christmas Shoes"
Number one with a bullet, and then some. This is the worst Christmas song everrrr and it’s not even close! I’m not opposed to a sad Christmas song (the quietly melancholy “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” is always great), but this one tries wayyyyy too hard to the point where it’s borderline offensive. Because if there’s anything I want to listen to during the holidays, it’s a song about a poor child who for some reason is trying to buy expensive shoes for his terminally ill mother! Nope, I’m good. I’d say it’s like a really bad Hallmark movie, but it actually is a really bad Hallmark movie. I’d rather listen to “Wonderful Christmastime” on loop than listening “The Christmas Shoes” even once. That's also like the worst game of “No Choice of Death” ever.
Are any of these songs now stuck in your head? I am so, so sorry.